For the next several months we called on all of our friends and family to pray for Emily. I think this entire town and all it's churches were praying for this little girl. Doug had called an old friend to update him on Sis and him and his wife drove the two hours to pray with us. It was good to have someone who had so much faith when we were running low. They really raised our spirits and gave us renewed faith. As the months wore on she was getting no better, at some points they had to actually paralyze her to keep her from fighting her vent. Of course there were more conversations with the doctors about keeping her alive like the one I had when the doctor said what measures do you want us to take to keep her alive. I remember telling him you better do whatever you have to do to keep her alive. It was heartbreaking to keep hearing that I would never take my daughter home, that I would never put piggy tales in her hair or plant flowers with her.
In the midst of all this we found out that Sis had maxed out her lifetime on our insurance through work and the only way for her to get medicaid was for me to quit my job. They have denied our kids SSI because of what they call resources...it is sickening to see so many people on disability for a "back injury" and yet to see them lifting bundles of shingles. When our kids' disabilities are proven. They are both blind with heart problems, he has short gut and she has asthma....how they feel they can deny my kids is beyond me. I cannot wrap my brain around their reasoning. So basically I asked them what we need to do to get ANY help for our kids. Are we supposed to both quit jobs loose everything we had worked for, for our family, maybe go on welfare and then maybe they would help us. I will say that there is no help for anyone in our situation that has had a crisis in their life and are making it by ok but need some help. NOTHING!!
Some days she would do ok, others we would think it was a turning point that maybe she could pull out of this and there were the days that the doctors would have that talk with us. I can't even describe to you the pain that WE were in. I think in November and December of 08 were the absolute worst times for all of us. It was never good to walk in to see Emily and have a room full of doctors and nurses surrounding her. We knew that she wasn't getting any better but we were not about to give up on her. A friend of ours at the hospital kept telling us that "we would know when it was time to let her go" and to this day I have never felt like that. We had walked in her room late December to see a room full of people. The doctors had begun to tell us that Emily was maxed out on oxygen and all her meds. and that her kidneys had stopped working. At that point they asked us if we wanted to do dialysis on her if it came to that. Doug and I went to the prayer room with Wendell (one of the chaplains) and cried and prayed and talked it over with Wendell. I was adamant on not putting her through dialysis. Doug just kept saying I feel like we're giving up on her, why do they keep telling us to shut her vent off and let our daughter die?
When we went back to Sissy's room I remember leaning in right next to her ear and whispering to her "if you are ready to go, if you are too tired to fight anymore mommy won't be mad. I want you here with me but if you need to go than I will let you but if you want to stay you have to keep fighting and I will fight for you until my last breath. You tell mommy what you want."
Doug and I went to a hotel I think, I don't even remember. I do however walking in her room the next morning and the doctor came in and threw his arms in the air. He said I don't understand your daughter, she is a mystery to me and I'm not going to predict anything about her again. She had started peeing through the night, they had come down on all of her sedation and on her oxygen. It was a miracle and she was telling me not to give up on her!! I knew then that my daughter was coming home at some point.
January and February were good months for all of us. Emily continued to do well. She had some bumps but they were minor compared to what she had overcome. In March they thought that she was well enough to take out of ICU. But the doctors and I wanted her to have 1 more surgery to put in a G-button (feeding tube). So early March she had her feeding tube put in and another procedure called a fundelplycation (that was supposed to help with her acid reflux)
During the beginning of March Bubba also got sick. His gut was hurting him bad. I had been telling the doctors that his abdomen had been hurting him simply because he was always doubled over and crying. He never cries. I fought them for about a month with 3 different doctors seeing him and 2 emergency room visits. Finally he had a cardiology apt. and he was in so much pain I told them I was not leaving until they could figure out what was wrong with him. They might as well admit us. And they did. They took him off food and gave him IV fluids to give his gut a rest and he started doing a little better each day. Meanwhile I was running back and forth from his room to Sissy's room. Luckily they were on the same floor. So after a week and a formula change Dougie came home and Emily was doing great after her surgery.
It wasn't a few days later I took Dougie to his pediatrician and found out he had pneumonia. So that was another week but at the hospital here. It was a rough month. After that he is unstoppable. Learning something new everyday. Sis made it to TCU about a week after her surgery. She continued to get better and then one day I heard the doctors say I think it's time to talk about getting her home. We had kinda talked to a friend of ours that suggested a rehabilitation place called Ranken Jordan. It seems to be a great place and we decided to send her there for about a month simply for intense therapy.
A few weeks there and she didn't tolerate it very well she ended up in PICU two different times. So Doug and I decided to just bring her home. We got all of our nursing in place and ordered her equipment for the house and I guess that kinda brings us to today!!!!!!
Today our daughter has been ready to come home for about a month and we cannot find anyone to supply her with the 1 essential thing that will allow her to come home. A home ventilator. In 30 years of service at Cardinal Glennon the social worker said she has never NOT been able to send a baby home for this reason. We have called EVERY medical supply company in 3 states and not 1 of them will give her a ventilator. I am so furious that she has fought sooooo hard for this moment and she now has to stay in the hospital until someone will help us. The excuses we get are that they only allow 4 patients for 1 respiratory therapist or that we live to far or that they won't cross the state line. And not 1 of those is a good enough reason for my daughter not to be able to be with her family after 2 years of battling death. I've tried to get the state to step in and maybe hire a therapist so that our local company will hopefully supply a vent. They said their hands are tied. What do we have to do to be able to get our daughter home???
7.29.2009
A couple of days after Christmas Dougie had to have another eye surgery, this time it was in his right eye and they had to reattach the retina. This time they actually had to go in and cut on his eye. The thought of that was horrible. From that point on it seemed like it was a surgery for one baby or the other every couple of weeks. Jan 3rd Sissy had the lens removed from her right eye. Jan. 17th Sis had lens removed from her left eye. Jan. 30th Dougie had his lens and some scar tissue removed from his left eye.
I'm pretty sure it was February when Dougie came home for the first time. It was scary but it felt so good, like he was our baby for a change. It would be the first time we actually got to take care of him like he was ours. So we had a ton of classes. We had to learn all of his meds., we had to take cpr, we had to learn how to clean his ostomy and change the bag(which was NO easy task) and we had to learn how to put in his feeding tube and change it out every two weeks, we had to learn how to use the feeding pump, the oxygen tanks (portable and the ones for the house), and we had to learn how to use his saturation monitor. It wouldn't have mattered what I had to do to get this little boy home I would have done it. (just like I'm trying to do with Emily now)
It was difficult having him home I won't lie about that.We were trying to feed him with a bottle every day. We had to supplement what he didn't take by mouth with a feeding pump. There were a lot of sleepless nights. He had reflux pretty bad and even with meds. he still spit up quite a bit. The ostomy bag was a nightmare in itself. Their skin is so tender and we had to use this stuff pretty much like glue to get it to adhere to his skin. It was awful. BUT at the same time it was an answered prayer!
Feb. 21st Sis had surgery on her left eye to remove scar tissue. On March 3rd, Dougie had another eye surgery to remove scar tissue and put an oil bulb in his eye (it was supposed to help the retina stay attached). Through all of these surgeries the doctor still said there was hope for sight. When it came to Dougie the possibility was becoming less and less. That is a hard thing to hear that your baby may be blind. It was especially hard for my husband who of course wanted sports in his future. He dreamed of fishing and golfing and all the dad stuff. It was heart breaking for sure. At this point the doctor said his left eye was not going to have any vision and he was trying to save what he could with the right eye. Meaning he was hoping he would be able to see some light and maybe some shadows. I just thought that life was hard enough as it is and to be blind would be extremely hard. Never the less I would make sure he would be able to do what ever it was he wanted to do!
Around the second week of March Sis came home, of course with all the same equipment. I finally had all of my kids together. We were ecstatic to say the least. Most days I didn't even get to take a bath until Doug came home from work. It was non stop. And it was short lived. Bubba was already getting sick. He was starting to get what they called dumping syndrome. It's where he had more coming out in his ostomy bag and wasn't absorbing the nutrients, so he was loosing weight fast. Two weeks after Sis came home Bubba went back to the NICU. I was devastated. Sis was doing great for a while and then a few weeks after Bubba went back Sis started to show signs of respiratory distress and then spiked a high fever. We drove her back to glennon to get checked out and the doctors were worried that she was working so hard to breathe. When he told me that she needed admitted back to the NICU I seriously just about had a nervous breakdown. I could not stop crying. I felt like we had come so far and now we're back to square one, both in the hospital.
Our favorite doctor was taking care of Emily so that made things a little easier. Not much. He was pretty sure she just had a virus and a couple of days of antibiotics she'd be able to come home. She had been recovering really well and I remember calling on that Saturday and them telling us to come up and get her on Sunday. We were so happy. We called on the way to the hospital to tell them we'd be there in a couple of hours and when her nurse (Anna-whom we love) told us that she had a severe asthma attach and that they actually had to do chest compressions on her and intebate her I felt like someone had just punched me in the face. We didn't even know she had asthma.
So here it was mid April and Emily was deathly ill. They had to put her on tons of medicines and a high rate of oxygen just to keep her breathing. When we walked in her room and saw the tube back in her mouth it fealt like someone ripped my heart out. Not only that just down the hall was Dougie. Months went on for Emily and she had made no progress at all. In fact at times had gotten worse. I was a wreck, I couldn't eat or sleep or think straight. In May Dougie had came back home after getting his ostomy re-attached. He was doing good. Not gaining much weight but wasn't sick so we were happy about that.
I remember driving up to see Sis by myself while Bubba stayed with dad. I was so happy to see her but she was so sick. At this point they had her heavily sedated so she wasn't even moving. It was heartbreaking. I remember Dr. Sadiq (our favorite) coming in with a nurse practitioner and shutting the curtain behind them. He said he wanted to tell me where Emily was. She wasn't getting any better and that they had her maxed out on all meds and oxygen. He told me at this point she was basically on complete life support and had been for the last month. He told me that I should consider shutting her ventilator off and letting her go. Even now I'm crying as I'm typing the pain that comes with that sentence is unbearable! At that moment I think I hated him. How could he be telling me this. She had come so far and now he wants me to give up on her. I hurt so bad inside I literally was having trouble breathing. I told them to get out of her room and leave me with her. I shut that curtain and dropped to my knees and fell apart. How was I supposed to give up on my baby, how was I going to go home and tell my family what he wants us to do. It wasn't a few minutes after that I just had to get out of that hospital. I cried all the way home. I walked in my house and my in-laws were there with my husband and Dougie. I told them what the doctor said and fell in the floor and cried hysterically. I told Doug I couldn't do it. There was no way in hell I was giving up on her.
Another month passes and they are still telling me to shut her vent off. They tell me to do things I always wanted with her paint her nails, dress her up. May, June, July August and now September. Sis was marginally better. It was their birthday and we brought up a huge cake to share with the doctors and nurses with tons of gifts complete with a birthday dress and a princess tiara. Chaplain Judy (whom we love) came in and said a beautiful prayer for Sis. Everyone was loving on her and Bubba. They are practically their kids too. We sang happy birthday to them and opened her gifts.
Mid September Dr. Sadiq thought she was well enough to survive surgery for a tracheotomy and that since I refused to shut her vent off it was kind of a last hope. We agreed for surgery and not long after that she was transferred to the PICU. They handled the bigger kids. She was close to 30 pounds with all the fluid weight and had teeth, they thought it best she be moved. It was terrifying to trust her to someone else. Her first week in PICU they tried to move around her vent settings and she did not respond well to them at all. It was a daily occurence for them to bag her saturations back up several times. Our first week there the doctors came in and suggested that we shut her vent off that she was not doing well. Of course I refused. They told me that there might be a time when we are at home and they can't bag her back up. They didn't want her to die without us being there. That was an awful thought going through my mind. We stayed there in the hospital with her as much as we could. Some days were ok for her and others were terrible. It was a horrible roller coaster ride.
Meanwhile Dougie is having another eye surgery on his right eye re-attaching the retina and this time a gas bulb.
I'm pretty sure it was February when Dougie came home for the first time. It was scary but it felt so good, like he was our baby for a change. It would be the first time we actually got to take care of him like he was ours. So we had a ton of classes. We had to learn all of his meds., we had to take cpr, we had to learn how to clean his ostomy and change the bag(which was NO easy task) and we had to learn how to put in his feeding tube and change it out every two weeks, we had to learn how to use the feeding pump, the oxygen tanks (portable and the ones for the house), and we had to learn how to use his saturation monitor. It wouldn't have mattered what I had to do to get this little boy home I would have done it. (just like I'm trying to do with Emily now)
It was difficult having him home I won't lie about that.We were trying to feed him with a bottle every day. We had to supplement what he didn't take by mouth with a feeding pump. There were a lot of sleepless nights. He had reflux pretty bad and even with meds. he still spit up quite a bit. The ostomy bag was a nightmare in itself. Their skin is so tender and we had to use this stuff pretty much like glue to get it to adhere to his skin. It was awful. BUT at the same time it was an answered prayer!
Feb. 21st Sis had surgery on her left eye to remove scar tissue. On March 3rd, Dougie had another eye surgery to remove scar tissue and put an oil bulb in his eye (it was supposed to help the retina stay attached). Through all of these surgeries the doctor still said there was hope for sight. When it came to Dougie the possibility was becoming less and less. That is a hard thing to hear that your baby may be blind. It was especially hard for my husband who of course wanted sports in his future. He dreamed of fishing and golfing and all the dad stuff. It was heart breaking for sure. At this point the doctor said his left eye was not going to have any vision and he was trying to save what he could with the right eye. Meaning he was hoping he would be able to see some light and maybe some shadows. I just thought that life was hard enough as it is and to be blind would be extremely hard. Never the less I would make sure he would be able to do what ever it was he wanted to do!
Around the second week of March Sis came home, of course with all the same equipment. I finally had all of my kids together. We were ecstatic to say the least. Most days I didn't even get to take a bath until Doug came home from work. It was non stop. And it was short lived. Bubba was already getting sick. He was starting to get what they called dumping syndrome. It's where he had more coming out in his ostomy bag and wasn't absorbing the nutrients, so he was loosing weight fast. Two weeks after Sis came home Bubba went back to the NICU. I was devastated. Sis was doing great for a while and then a few weeks after Bubba went back Sis started to show signs of respiratory distress and then spiked a high fever. We drove her back to glennon to get checked out and the doctors were worried that she was working so hard to breathe. When he told me that she needed admitted back to the NICU I seriously just about had a nervous breakdown. I could not stop crying. I felt like we had come so far and now we're back to square one, both in the hospital.
Our favorite doctor was taking care of Emily so that made things a little easier. Not much. He was pretty sure she just had a virus and a couple of days of antibiotics she'd be able to come home. She had been recovering really well and I remember calling on that Saturday and them telling us to come up and get her on Sunday. We were so happy. We called on the way to the hospital to tell them we'd be there in a couple of hours and when her nurse (Anna-whom we love) told us that she had a severe asthma attach and that they actually had to do chest compressions on her and intebate her I felt like someone had just punched me in the face. We didn't even know she had asthma.
So here it was mid April and Emily was deathly ill. They had to put her on tons of medicines and a high rate of oxygen just to keep her breathing. When we walked in her room and saw the tube back in her mouth it fealt like someone ripped my heart out. Not only that just down the hall was Dougie. Months went on for Emily and she had made no progress at all. In fact at times had gotten worse. I was a wreck, I couldn't eat or sleep or think straight. In May Dougie had came back home after getting his ostomy re-attached. He was doing good. Not gaining much weight but wasn't sick so we were happy about that.
I remember driving up to see Sis by myself while Bubba stayed with dad. I was so happy to see her but she was so sick. At this point they had her heavily sedated so she wasn't even moving. It was heartbreaking. I remember Dr. Sadiq (our favorite) coming in with a nurse practitioner and shutting the curtain behind them. He said he wanted to tell me where Emily was. She wasn't getting any better and that they had her maxed out on all meds and oxygen. He told me at this point she was basically on complete life support and had been for the last month. He told me that I should consider shutting her ventilator off and letting her go. Even now I'm crying as I'm typing the pain that comes with that sentence is unbearable! At that moment I think I hated him. How could he be telling me this. She had come so far and now he wants me to give up on her. I hurt so bad inside I literally was having trouble breathing. I told them to get out of her room and leave me with her. I shut that curtain and dropped to my knees and fell apart. How was I supposed to give up on my baby, how was I going to go home and tell my family what he wants us to do. It wasn't a few minutes after that I just had to get out of that hospital. I cried all the way home. I walked in my house and my in-laws were there with my husband and Dougie. I told them what the doctor said and fell in the floor and cried hysterically. I told Doug I couldn't do it. There was no way in hell I was giving up on her.
Another month passes and they are still telling me to shut her vent off. They tell me to do things I always wanted with her paint her nails, dress her up. May, June, July August and now September. Sis was marginally better. It was their birthday and we brought up a huge cake to share with the doctors and nurses with tons of gifts complete with a birthday dress and a princess tiara. Chaplain Judy (whom we love) came in and said a beautiful prayer for Sis. Everyone was loving on her and Bubba. They are practically their kids too. We sang happy birthday to them and opened her gifts.
Mid September Dr. Sadiq thought she was well enough to survive surgery for a tracheotomy and that since I refused to shut her vent off it was kind of a last hope. We agreed for surgery and not long after that she was transferred to the PICU. They handled the bigger kids. She was close to 30 pounds with all the fluid weight and had teeth, they thought it best she be moved. It was terrifying to trust her to someone else. Her first week in PICU they tried to move around her vent settings and she did not respond well to them at all. It was a daily occurence for them to bag her saturations back up several times. Our first week there the doctors came in and suggested that we shut her vent off that she was not doing well. Of course I refused. They told me that there might be a time when we are at home and they can't bag her back up. They didn't want her to die without us being there. That was an awful thought going through my mind. We stayed there in the hospital with her as much as we could. Some days were ok for her and others were terrible. It was a horrible roller coaster ride.
Meanwhile Dougie is having another eye surgery on his right eye re-attaching the retina and this time a gas bulb.
7.25.2009
So now our eyes are open and we're poopin' and although those things were good it was nothing for the doctors to change their settings in the right direction one day and the very next go further back than where they started. It was a definite roller coaster. Many days I sat there and took care of the twins as much as I could bathing them, putting on their lotion, holding them when they were well enough and at some point working with them on taking a bottle. When night time came around and I sat there on that pull out couch looking at them I would think of Caleb and usually cry myself to sleep. That was hard in itself to grieve behind a curtain with other people in the room.
That was all the grieving I got to do because I had 3 other kids to worry about and take care of. I guess I just don't allow myself to think about him for very long or I will start to cry. The one time I absolutely fell apart was when Caleb's pictures came in the mail and I had an absolute melt down. The guilt that I had been feeling was overwhelming at that point. If I would have done this or if I hadn't done that WHAT IF? Doug and Tyler were at a loss they didn't know what to say or do. From that point on I have never asked myself what if because there is no answer. I knew that he was in trouble the week following the loss of our 4th baby. I just knew he was going to make it. I remember laying on the couch a few days before I had the babies crying I was so worried about Caleb. I was talking with God out loud and I told him that I couldn't be selfish anymore. When I had prayed before I just asked God to keep him here with me, so that night my prayer was different. I prayed that God do what's best for Caleb, that if he was not going to have a good life to take him now and not let him suffer. Within a few days our journey began and Caleb was in Heaven playing with the angels!
The beginning of November we tried to extabate the two of them and after a couple of tries we finally got it accomplished. Things were looking up. They were both on oxygen still and were both getting fed through a tube in their nose but that was way better than when they started. I felt like there was hope.
Around the second week in November started another series of ups and downs. We learned that Dougie needed an eye surgery that there was a chance that he would be blind. The doctor said it was called ROP (retonopathy of prematurity) basically your eyes were under developed. I can still feel the anxiety walking him down the hall for another surgery that may or may not work. Meanwhile in my mind going crazy not only is he going to be delayed developmentally but now he may be blind. I have never even been around a blind person I was so scared. He had the surgery and came through like a champ. It was just a laser surgery that relieved the pressure from his eyes so that his retina didn't pull away. In the days that passed the doctor came in and examined him and things were looking good.
I think it was the following week when he examined Sis and told us the very same thing, except her eyes were worse. Here we go again. I tell ya that walk to the elevator seems like walking to my execution. She did well in her surgery also. Such brave and strong little people it's truly amazing.
I think back and we were worried about Emily's eyes because Dougie had been recovering well from his surgery. Then one day after exams he told us that Dougie's eyes had became worse that at this point he couldn't do anymore that we had to call in a retina specialist. This is someone who specializes in re-attaching a retina. This surgery was different because they actually had to go in and cut on his eyes this time. Even more terrifying!!
In the midst of all of this they got another new doctor in the NICU (they rotate every month). This doctors name was Dr. Sadiq. I wasn't sure if I would like him or not he was extremely serious, no crackin jokes like the others. Little did I know that I would learn to love him like no other. I would sit on my couch and watch him make rounds on the two of them and every morning he would put his hands in their little bubble, bend down and talk to them. He would tell them how special they were and most days he would raise the lid on their crib and bend in and kiss on them telling them how much he loved them. He really made an impression on me not just because he is an amazing doctor but his tender heart. He will be someone who I never forget in all my days.
It was so fun in November they were keeping their temps. up so we got to keep the lid up on their beds and dress them. Now they looked more like little babies. They were getting visitors as often as friends and family were able to make the 2 hour drive. It was nice to have so many people helping us out, having benefits and friends coming and mowing our yard so that Doug didn't have to worry about that on his days off he could go straight to the hospital. They were all blessings to us in so many ways.
Here we are in December and it's going by fast. We've already celebrated Halloween and Thanksgiving now we're working on Christmas. It was so hard to be torn in so many directions but we all managed to get through it. We celebrated Christmas with Tyler on Christmas eve. My family came over and we had a good dinner and watched Tyler open gifts. That night he went to stay with his dad and spend Christmas day with them. It was actually not so bad we took all their gifts from everyone to the hospital and when we got there their room was packed with gifts from nurses and doctors and anonymous people. We actually had a nurse practitioner adopt our family for x-mas and they bought tons of things for all 3 of our kids. Their kindness was amazing.
That was all the grieving I got to do because I had 3 other kids to worry about and take care of. I guess I just don't allow myself to think about him for very long or I will start to cry. The one time I absolutely fell apart was when Caleb's pictures came in the mail and I had an absolute melt down. The guilt that I had been feeling was overwhelming at that point. If I would have done this or if I hadn't done that WHAT IF? Doug and Tyler were at a loss they didn't know what to say or do. From that point on I have never asked myself what if because there is no answer. I knew that he was in trouble the week following the loss of our 4th baby. I just knew he was going to make it. I remember laying on the couch a few days before I had the babies crying I was so worried about Caleb. I was talking with God out loud and I told him that I couldn't be selfish anymore. When I had prayed before I just asked God to keep him here with me, so that night my prayer was different. I prayed that God do what's best for Caleb, that if he was not going to have a good life to take him now and not let him suffer. Within a few days our journey began and Caleb was in Heaven playing with the angels!
The beginning of November we tried to extabate the two of them and after a couple of tries we finally got it accomplished. Things were looking up. They were both on oxygen still and were both getting fed through a tube in their nose but that was way better than when they started. I felt like there was hope.
Around the second week in November started another series of ups and downs. We learned that Dougie needed an eye surgery that there was a chance that he would be blind. The doctor said it was called ROP (retonopathy of prematurity) basically your eyes were under developed. I can still feel the anxiety walking him down the hall for another surgery that may or may not work. Meanwhile in my mind going crazy not only is he going to be delayed developmentally but now he may be blind. I have never even been around a blind person I was so scared. He had the surgery and came through like a champ. It was just a laser surgery that relieved the pressure from his eyes so that his retina didn't pull away. In the days that passed the doctor came in and examined him and things were looking good.
I think it was the following week when he examined Sis and told us the very same thing, except her eyes were worse. Here we go again. I tell ya that walk to the elevator seems like walking to my execution. She did well in her surgery also. Such brave and strong little people it's truly amazing.
I think back and we were worried about Emily's eyes because Dougie had been recovering well from his surgery. Then one day after exams he told us that Dougie's eyes had became worse that at this point he couldn't do anymore that we had to call in a retina specialist. This is someone who specializes in re-attaching a retina. This surgery was different because they actually had to go in and cut on his eyes this time. Even more terrifying!!
In the midst of all of this they got another new doctor in the NICU (they rotate every month). This doctors name was Dr. Sadiq. I wasn't sure if I would like him or not he was extremely serious, no crackin jokes like the others. Little did I know that I would learn to love him like no other. I would sit on my couch and watch him make rounds on the two of them and every morning he would put his hands in their little bubble, bend down and talk to them. He would tell them how special they were and most days he would raise the lid on their crib and bend in and kiss on them telling them how much he loved them. He really made an impression on me not just because he is an amazing doctor but his tender heart. He will be someone who I never forget in all my days.
It was so fun in November they were keeping their temps. up so we got to keep the lid up on their beds and dress them. Now they looked more like little babies. They were getting visitors as often as friends and family were able to make the 2 hour drive. It was nice to have so many people helping us out, having benefits and friends coming and mowing our yard so that Doug didn't have to worry about that on his days off he could go straight to the hospital. They were all blessings to us in so many ways.
Here we are in December and it's going by fast. We've already celebrated Halloween and Thanksgiving now we're working on Christmas. It was so hard to be torn in so many directions but we all managed to get through it. We celebrated Christmas with Tyler on Christmas eve. My family came over and we had a good dinner and watched Tyler open gifts. That night he went to stay with his dad and spend Christmas day with them. It was actually not so bad we took all their gifts from everyone to the hospital and when we got there their room was packed with gifts from nurses and doctors and anonymous people. We actually had a nurse practitioner adopt our family for x-mas and they bought tons of things for all 3 of our kids. Their kindness was amazing.
7.24.2009
After the funeral Tyler went back to his grandmas and we stopped by Doug's parents for something to eat and I had to pump breast milk. Within a few hours we headed back to St Louis.
On Sept. 10th the babies got transferred to their new twin room. They were finally side by side as opposed to being in a room with 20 other babies. We were happy they were together and this room had a pull out couch that became my bed for the next few months. Although we were happy about that we found out that Dougie had developed a stage 2 brain bleed. It was awful to even think about.
Sept. 11th the twins got their first visitors. Doug's parents came up to see them. It was pretty emotional for them to see. Before they left we did manage to talk them in to putting their hand in and touching them.
Within a couple of weeks of birth both of them started to open their eyes. It was like watching a little puppy open his eyes for the first time. First one eye then maybe the next day the other would open. They tried to keep them all bundled up but Bubba wasn't having it. No sooner than they tuck his legs in he'd somehow manage to squirm right back out. Not long after their eyes opened Sissy's tummy started turning black(I mean really black) So she had to have a surgery on her tummy to drain out whatever was making it black. They told us she had a 50% chance of not making it through. Once again we were terrified of loosing our little girl. The surgery didn't take long (seemed like a lifetime) and she pulled through like a champ.
Sept. 16th Doug had to leave and go back to work. I stayed at the hospital in their room. I was scared of dealing with all this by myself and I didn't know how he would handle going back to work. I was worried about him too. He has been what has kept me together since this all began and has been amazing in all this.
Within a few days the doctors told us that both babies needed a heart surgery(called a pda ligation) Something about a flap in your heart that normally closes on full term babies of course didn't close on these preemies. They actually make a cut kinda under the left armpit towards the back and go through some ribs to do this surgery. We were really scared they actually had to take the babies to the operating room put them asleep and it was very risky for their tiny bodies to go through all that. They both came through with flying colors.
Around the end of Sept. they put them on regular ventilators whereas before they were on what's called an oscillator and it actually shakes the babies as it's breathing for them. That's a big step for one of these little ones. I came home for the first time. I just needed to get away and I missed Tyler so much. We had never been apart up to this point and that was hard on the both of us too. I can remember coming home and it reminding me of being pregnant. Seeing their room. I had it all planned out, I was going to put the two boys together in a bed and sissy had a beautiful canopy on her bed complete with sparkles and butterflies. I would lay there rubbing my tummy wishing all this was a bad dream.
The weekend home was stressful. I think I called the hospital every 2 hours and that's all through the night too. Emily still had abdominal issues her belly would swell up and was still really dark. The next Monday when I get to the hospital I find out that Sis has an infection and a pretty bad one. Of course and infection is a lot of the time fatal for a 1 lb baby. They found this the day before you were to go for your heart surgery. Doug was so upset crying because he wanted to be there but couldn't take anymore time off work. It's just such a helpless feeling when any kid is sick but to watch your baby struggle to breathe and live is beyond words.
Sept. 27th was the first day I got to hold either of them. I got to snuggle Dougie on my bare chest to help with his body temp. and he did and awesome job. It's amazing how small they still are barely 2 lbs. When I held Emily she didn't do so well I was crying just to be able to hold her for a few minutes to be able to actually kiss her and when her saturations dropped they had to bag her back up in my arms I was terrified. I hadn't seen them do that up til then. So back in bed she went. The next day Doug came up and got to hold Dougie. One of the nurses suggested I take a picture with dads wedding band on Bubbas arm. It slid right over his hand. I could've probably fit both hands in there. We were floored.
The beginning of Oct. my friend Kenny and his wife came up to see the babies and take me out for dinner. How sweet. I told them that Bubba wasn't really being himself. He wasn't very active at all. The doctors started to worry and ordered some xrays to be taken of his intestines. Everything looked ok to them. They were worried he had what they called NEC. (a hole in your intestines) Within hours he started to swell up and they told us that we had to make a decision to send him to children's hospital because the surgeon who does that type of surgery quit the week before. If he had anymore issues they wouldn't be able to operate. So 9:00 that night they rushed him to children's hospital not far from glennon. 6:00 am the surgeon called said he had gotten much worse and they needed to do exploratory surgery on him. His chances were grim of surviving. When he came out and told us he did ok but that he had to take a huge portion of his intestins out and he might have life long affects from this IF he makes it. Because of the hole he had sepsis (massive infection) and he swelled up like a puffer fish. He was unrecognizable.
Days went by slowly an sure enough he started to pull through. Now I had a kid back home one at cardinal glennon and one at children's. I was worn thin.....It was exhausting!! Doug did not handle the babies being apart very well at all. He just wanted them back together!!
A small thing like pooping may seem trivial to some but it was a huge deal for these two. Emily's doctor told her if she finally pooped he would give her a dollar and within a couple of days he had to pay up! He was a great doctor. Doctor Mantych big ole' boy who was really funny. If someone said something about sissy's tummy he would say maybe she just needs to let a big ole' fart. LOL
Oct. 14th I wrote a poem.
You came too early
We don't know why
The tears fall like rain
So much pain inside
We thought we could keep you safe
How could we be so wrong
How can someone so tiny
Be so strong
We have to take them now
Or they will all die
My heart broke in two
As I started to cry
They rushed me to the OR
Scared out of my mind
I was praying to God
Please let my babies be fine
But when I awoke
With Caleb in daddy's hands
As tears run down his face
I knew things hadn't gone as planned
Our baby Caleb went to heaven
There was nothing we could do
He is in a better place
This we all knew
Now we still have
The two of you
Emily Grace
And Dougie Jr. too
As we watch you struggle
Just to breathe
Makes us pray to God
Makes the unbeliever believe
You're a miracle no doubt
An angel from above
One sent straight from Heaven
To show us how to love
love mommy
On Sept. 10th the babies got transferred to their new twin room. They were finally side by side as opposed to being in a room with 20 other babies. We were happy they were together and this room had a pull out couch that became my bed for the next few months. Although we were happy about that we found out that Dougie had developed a stage 2 brain bleed. It was awful to even think about.
Sept. 11th the twins got their first visitors. Doug's parents came up to see them. It was pretty emotional for them to see. Before they left we did manage to talk them in to putting their hand in and touching them.
Within a couple of weeks of birth both of them started to open their eyes. It was like watching a little puppy open his eyes for the first time. First one eye then maybe the next day the other would open. They tried to keep them all bundled up but Bubba wasn't having it. No sooner than they tuck his legs in he'd somehow manage to squirm right back out. Not long after their eyes opened Sissy's tummy started turning black(I mean really black) So she had to have a surgery on her tummy to drain out whatever was making it black. They told us she had a 50% chance of not making it through. Once again we were terrified of loosing our little girl. The surgery didn't take long (seemed like a lifetime) and she pulled through like a champ.
Sept. 16th Doug had to leave and go back to work. I stayed at the hospital in their room. I was scared of dealing with all this by myself and I didn't know how he would handle going back to work. I was worried about him too. He has been what has kept me together since this all began and has been amazing in all this.
Within a few days the doctors told us that both babies needed a heart surgery(called a pda ligation) Something about a flap in your heart that normally closes on full term babies of course didn't close on these preemies. They actually make a cut kinda under the left armpit towards the back and go through some ribs to do this surgery. We were really scared they actually had to take the babies to the operating room put them asleep and it was very risky for their tiny bodies to go through all that. They both came through with flying colors.
Around the end of Sept. they put them on regular ventilators whereas before they were on what's called an oscillator and it actually shakes the babies as it's breathing for them. That's a big step for one of these little ones. I came home for the first time. I just needed to get away and I missed Tyler so much. We had never been apart up to this point and that was hard on the both of us too. I can remember coming home and it reminding me of being pregnant. Seeing their room. I had it all planned out, I was going to put the two boys together in a bed and sissy had a beautiful canopy on her bed complete with sparkles and butterflies. I would lay there rubbing my tummy wishing all this was a bad dream.
The weekend home was stressful. I think I called the hospital every 2 hours and that's all through the night too. Emily still had abdominal issues her belly would swell up and was still really dark. The next Monday when I get to the hospital I find out that Sis has an infection and a pretty bad one. Of course and infection is a lot of the time fatal for a 1 lb baby. They found this the day before you were to go for your heart surgery. Doug was so upset crying because he wanted to be there but couldn't take anymore time off work. It's just such a helpless feeling when any kid is sick but to watch your baby struggle to breathe and live is beyond words.
Sept. 27th was the first day I got to hold either of them. I got to snuggle Dougie on my bare chest to help with his body temp. and he did and awesome job. It's amazing how small they still are barely 2 lbs. When I held Emily she didn't do so well I was crying just to be able to hold her for a few minutes to be able to actually kiss her and when her saturations dropped they had to bag her back up in my arms I was terrified. I hadn't seen them do that up til then. So back in bed she went. The next day Doug came up and got to hold Dougie. One of the nurses suggested I take a picture with dads wedding band on Bubbas arm. It slid right over his hand. I could've probably fit both hands in there. We were floored.
The beginning of Oct. my friend Kenny and his wife came up to see the babies and take me out for dinner. How sweet. I told them that Bubba wasn't really being himself. He wasn't very active at all. The doctors started to worry and ordered some xrays to be taken of his intestines. Everything looked ok to them. They were worried he had what they called NEC. (a hole in your intestines) Within hours he started to swell up and they told us that we had to make a decision to send him to children's hospital because the surgeon who does that type of surgery quit the week before. If he had anymore issues they wouldn't be able to operate. So 9:00 that night they rushed him to children's hospital not far from glennon. 6:00 am the surgeon called said he had gotten much worse and they needed to do exploratory surgery on him. His chances were grim of surviving. When he came out and told us he did ok but that he had to take a huge portion of his intestins out and he might have life long affects from this IF he makes it. Because of the hole he had sepsis (massive infection) and he swelled up like a puffer fish. He was unrecognizable.
Days went by slowly an sure enough he started to pull through. Now I had a kid back home one at cardinal glennon and one at children's. I was worn thin.....It was exhausting!! Doug did not handle the babies being apart very well at all. He just wanted them back together!!
A small thing like pooping may seem trivial to some but it was a huge deal for these two. Emily's doctor told her if she finally pooped he would give her a dollar and within a couple of days he had to pay up! He was a great doctor. Doctor Mantych big ole' boy who was really funny. If someone said something about sissy's tummy he would say maybe she just needs to let a big ole' fart. LOL
Oct. 14th I wrote a poem.
You came too early
We don't know why
The tears fall like rain
So much pain inside
We thought we could keep you safe
How could we be so wrong
How can someone so tiny
Be so strong
We have to take them now
Or they will all die
My heart broke in two
As I started to cry
They rushed me to the OR
Scared out of my mind
I was praying to God
Please let my babies be fine
But when I awoke
With Caleb in daddy's hands
As tears run down his face
I knew things hadn't gone as planned
Our baby Caleb went to heaven
There was nothing we could do
He is in a better place
This we all knew
Now we still have
The two of you
Emily Grace
And Dougie Jr. too
As we watch you struggle
Just to breathe
Makes us pray to God
Makes the unbeliever believe
You're a miracle no doubt
An angel from above
One sent straight from Heaven
To show us how to love
love mommy
That afternoon Wednesday, September 5th 2007 a chaplain came to see us and asked what our religion was and if we wanted to baptize the babies. We immediately said yes not knowing what the days would bring (even hours for that matter). So that afternoon both Douglas Richard Brawley Jr. and Emily Grace Brawley were baptized. They gave them the most beautiful little gown and suit to wear (of course we just laid it on top of them) . I was so afraid for tons of reasons.
That night we got a hotel room and stayed the night in St. Louis. There wasn't much sleep between the phone calls to the hospital to check on the babies and the pain I was in from my c-section. First thing the next morning we went to check on the babies and we had to head home for clothes and things. We also had to face the fact that we were about to do something no parent should ever have to do and that is bury on of their children.
On Sept. 6th I started to journal, this is my first entry.
Hey beautiful babies , today has been pretty hard for mom and dad. we had to make arrangements for God to come an take brother Caleb. It made us so sad and Saturday will be even harder when we say our final goodbyes to him. But we couldn't wait to get here to see you! Your two are so strong! You have the blood of warriors in your tiny little veins. When we look at you we fall in love with you all over again. You two inspire us to make it thru another day. The nurses and doctors are trying so hard to make you feel better. You are doing much better at 3 days old that you were when you came out of my tummy. Even changing your machines in the right direction by 1 number makes us so happy. Big brother Tyler was heart broken to see you for the first time on Wednesday. Seeing how tiny you were, he was happy but got soooo sad when he realized how sick you two were. Everyone back home is praying for you and sending all their hugs and kisses to you. We all just want you home. Good night our beautiful babies!
The very next day on Friday we were so happy to get to the hospital to be with them as we're standing there next to Sis the doctors are making their rounds. We were told that Emily had a stage 4 brain bleed....I just about passed out. I started crying hysterically. Not only were my kids going to have to fight to even stay alive now I was wondering what quality of life would she have after all is said and done. Would she have brain damage, learning disabilities ? The thoughts through my mind were endless. That wasn't how I pictured my twins (triplets) I wanted to watch them playing outside going on vacations playing dress up with my daughter....Would any of this ever happen for them??
Friday Sept. 6th...I changed Emily's diaper for the first time. Daddy just watched proudly, he's still a little scared to touch you too much.
Saturday...I hoped that day would never come...I had to go and buy clothes for Caleb's funeral, I just couldn't believe it was really happening. Our boy was so tiny we didn't have clothes for him. We stopped and bought him a cardinals tee shirt in St. Louis Friday. Tyler was adamant about buying him some little shoes to put in his casket. We bought him a little necklace that said our angel and put all these things in there with him. Other people brought things to bury with him too. I took my camera to take the only pictures of him that I would ever have. (as I look at them now I wish I hadn't). Walking in that funeral home was almost impossible for me to do. My knees were weak and I wanted to throw up. I thought loosing my mom was hard, but nothing will ever compare to the pain of loosing one of your babies. Our families started to arrive and I grabbed a chair and put it right next to his tiny casket. I was not leaving him for 1 minute. We had a board with the other babies pictures from the previous days and the pictures off of my cell phone of Caleb after he was born. They weren't very good but they were all we had. As it became time to go to the cemetery we put all his things in his casket with him. My grandma of course wrote him a letter. My uncle Jeff who I'm really close to asked if he could carry his casket to the car and my husband wanted his best friend Richie to help. It was so tiny it was probably awkward for them to both do it but they were great. It was horrible riding to the cemetery and even harder leaving. We picked a spot for him to be buried so that every time we drive to the end of our road we can look straight ahead and see him.
That night we got a hotel room and stayed the night in St. Louis. There wasn't much sleep between the phone calls to the hospital to check on the babies and the pain I was in from my c-section. First thing the next morning we went to check on the babies and we had to head home for clothes and things. We also had to face the fact that we were about to do something no parent should ever have to do and that is bury on of their children.
On Sept. 6th I started to journal, this is my first entry.
Hey beautiful babies , today has been pretty hard for mom and dad. we had to make arrangements for God to come an take brother Caleb. It made us so sad and Saturday will be even harder when we say our final goodbyes to him. But we couldn't wait to get here to see you! Your two are so strong! You have the blood of warriors in your tiny little veins. When we look at you we fall in love with you all over again. You two inspire us to make it thru another day. The nurses and doctors are trying so hard to make you feel better. You are doing much better at 3 days old that you were when you came out of my tummy. Even changing your machines in the right direction by 1 number makes us so happy. Big brother Tyler was heart broken to see you for the first time on Wednesday. Seeing how tiny you were, he was happy but got soooo sad when he realized how sick you two were. Everyone back home is praying for you and sending all their hugs and kisses to you. We all just want you home. Good night our beautiful babies!
The very next day on Friday we were so happy to get to the hospital to be with them as we're standing there next to Sis the doctors are making their rounds. We were told that Emily had a stage 4 brain bleed....I just about passed out. I started crying hysterically. Not only were my kids going to have to fight to even stay alive now I was wondering what quality of life would she have after all is said and done. Would she have brain damage, learning disabilities ? The thoughts through my mind were endless. That wasn't how I pictured my twins (triplets) I wanted to watch them playing outside going on vacations playing dress up with my daughter....Would any of this ever happen for them??
Friday Sept. 6th...I changed Emily's diaper for the first time. Daddy just watched proudly, he's still a little scared to touch you too much.
Saturday...I hoped that day would never come...I had to go and buy clothes for Caleb's funeral, I just couldn't believe it was really happening. Our boy was so tiny we didn't have clothes for him. We stopped and bought him a cardinals tee shirt in St. Louis Friday. Tyler was adamant about buying him some little shoes to put in his casket. We bought him a little necklace that said our angel and put all these things in there with him. Other people brought things to bury with him too. I took my camera to take the only pictures of him that I would ever have. (as I look at them now I wish I hadn't). Walking in that funeral home was almost impossible for me to do. My knees were weak and I wanted to throw up. I thought loosing my mom was hard, but nothing will ever compare to the pain of loosing one of your babies. Our families started to arrive and I grabbed a chair and put it right next to his tiny casket. I was not leaving him for 1 minute. We had a board with the other babies pictures from the previous days and the pictures off of my cell phone of Caleb after he was born. They weren't very good but they were all we had. As it became time to go to the cemetery we put all his things in his casket with him. My grandma of course wrote him a letter. My uncle Jeff who I'm really close to asked if he could carry his casket to the car and my husband wanted his best friend Richie to help. It was so tiny it was probably awkward for them to both do it but they were great. It was horrible riding to the cemetery and even harder leaving. We picked a spot for him to be buried so that every time we drive to the end of our road we can look straight ahead and see him.
7.22.2009
I don't know how long surgery took all I know is when I woke up my husband was holding my first born triplet, my baby boy Caleb. His tiny body was still warm but he was gone. I just cried I felt that he had fought so long and hard all those weeks...I was certain he was gonna pull through. As our families took turns holding our angel the wheeled our other babies in one by one. They were in incubators and they had been intebated, their eyes were covered(because they were still fused) and they were being flown two hours away in St. Louis. We got to see them for only a few seconds before the took them away.
I remember the nurses pushing me to my hospital room as I held Caleb and I was so mad that they were playing a lullaby on the overhead speaker. Even now as I write this the emotions are as strong as ever! I felt robbed and heartbroken. I finally told my husband some hours later to get the nurse, that I had to let them take Caleb then or I would never let him go. My only request was they wheel him out like he was going to the nursery, not to cover him up. My nurse was so sweet, her name was Becky she asked if she could hold him before she took him out of the room. As she was leaving with him I saw her wipe away tears. She came in later and told me that she had taken him to get his picture taken, hand prints and foot prints and she had put a tiny gown on him, baby blue.
The next morning Doug and his mom drove to Cardinal Glennon where they had flown the babies to see them for the first time. I can still see Doug's face when he came back to my hospital room that night. He was crying hysterically and couldn't stop. It wasn't until about 1 am that morning that I was about to find out why. The doctors had called me to tell me that Emily wasn't going to make it through to morning. They could not get her oxygen saturations up past 60% and that if I were to hold her before she passed then I should get there as soon as possible. I'm not even sure how I managed to get out of bed, but I did. I walked out to the nurses station and told them they had the amount of time until I got dressed to discharge me and give me some pain medicine.
We stopped by my ex-mother in laws to pick up my older son, Tyler. I wanted him to be able to hold her too. It wasn't until we walked in that hospital nursery and saw our babies that I knew this was going to be the fight of our lives to keep these babies here. They were so tiny, little skeletons with paper thin skin on them, you could see every vein in their head and body. It was horrible to see something you love so much struggle so hard just to even breathe. Tyler got physically sick and I had to call someone to come pick him up. He had wanted a brother or sister for soooo long and it was eating him up inside to see them like this.
As I made my way into Emily's room the nurses were so nice. I was afraid to touch her, when all I wanted was to pick her up and make it all better. The nurse suggested I put aquaphor on her, it would help her skin. As I put my hand in the crib it almost entirely covered her body. I was talking to her telling her how much I needed her and rubbing this lotion on her skin, as I did her saturations slowly started to climb up and before I knew it she was in the 90's. It was amazing to me that she knew mommy was right there.
Emily two days old
I remember the nurses pushing me to my hospital room as I held Caleb and I was so mad that they were playing a lullaby on the overhead speaker. Even now as I write this the emotions are as strong as ever! I felt robbed and heartbroken. I finally told my husband some hours later to get the nurse, that I had to let them take Caleb then or I would never let him go. My only request was they wheel him out like he was going to the nursery, not to cover him up. My nurse was so sweet, her name was Becky she asked if she could hold him before she took him out of the room. As she was leaving with him I saw her wipe away tears. She came in later and told me that she had taken him to get his picture taken, hand prints and foot prints and she had put a tiny gown on him, baby blue.
The next morning Doug and his mom drove to Cardinal Glennon where they had flown the babies to see them for the first time. I can still see Doug's face when he came back to my hospital room that night. He was crying hysterically and couldn't stop. It wasn't until about 1 am that morning that I was about to find out why. The doctors had called me to tell me that Emily wasn't going to make it through to morning. They could not get her oxygen saturations up past 60% and that if I were to hold her before she passed then I should get there as soon as possible. I'm not even sure how I managed to get out of bed, but I did. I walked out to the nurses station and told them they had the amount of time until I got dressed to discharge me and give me some pain medicine.
We stopped by my ex-mother in laws to pick up my older son, Tyler. I wanted him to be able to hold her too. It wasn't until we walked in that hospital nursery and saw our babies that I knew this was going to be the fight of our lives to keep these babies here. They were so tiny, little skeletons with paper thin skin on them, you could see every vein in their head and body. It was horrible to see something you love so much struggle so hard just to even breathe. Tyler got physically sick and I had to call someone to come pick him up. He had wanted a brother or sister for soooo long and it was eating him up inside to see them like this.
As I made my way into Emily's room the nurses were so nice. I was afraid to touch her, when all I wanted was to pick her up and make it all better. The nurse suggested I put aquaphor on her, it would help her skin. As I put my hand in the crib it almost entirely covered her body. I was talking to her telling her how much I needed her and rubbing this lotion on her skin, as I did her saturations slowly started to climb up and before I knew it she was in the 90's. It was amazing to me that she knew mommy was right there.
Emily two days old
After almost 7 years of trying to have a baby our dreams finally came true on Friday April 13, 2007, with the help of an awesome doctor. I remember the day perfectly when I found out we were pregnant. I had called in off work, I had poison ivy all over me and I wanted to get a shot. Since we had been trying to conceive they drew my blood and sent me home. A few hours later the call came in and I was pregnant. Now I don't know how they rate your hormone level, but she said mine was extremely high. I was sure there were more than baby in there.
A few weeks later, I couldn't have been more than 3 weeks along (and already showing) we went in for my ultrasound. My husband had to work so my grandma went with me. Now we had artificial insemination and the doctor told me that twins were a probability but he's never had anything more than that with that type of procedure. So as I'm laying on the table he tells me he sees twins. I was soooo happy. And then he says wait a minute (now at this point I'm starting to panic) then he tells me there were two more. QUADS!!! The first thing through my mind was 4 of everything........How our lives were about to change and how badly I did NOT want to tell my husband. When the doctor gave me some time to compose myself and came back in, he said that I still had options. As he started to explain to me what selective reduction was I knew in my mind that at that moment I was having 4 babies and there were no other options for me! Let me just say I'm a very talkative person but that 2 hour car ride home I didn't say one word. I had already started to figure out what we as a family were going to do.
I had to go every week for an ultrasound, they had taken me off of work the day of my first ultrasound. My doctor did tell us that there was a chance that my body could reject some if not all the babies at some point, but that normally if they were there past 10-11 weeks they were probably going to stay. I can remember my 15wk ultrasound. I had taken my grandma and my 13 year old son with me (it would be his first time hearing the heart beat) Tyler was so excited, so when they put the jelly on my tummy and started making rounds...baby a, baby b, baby c and then he stopped and put his hand on my arm. I freaked out I thought he was going to tell me he had found another one!!! But instead he told me that he couldn't find the heart beat of one of the babies. As scared as I was to have quads the loss of one of them was unbearable. Tyler was crushed he thought he was bad luck. And then I had another 2 hour car ride home to tell my husband (Doug) who had no children of his own. When I told him he was absolutely crushed.
The following week at my ultrasound the doctor told me that one of the other babies didn't have much fluid around him, at that point he couldn't tell me why. Every week from that point on was terrifying, not knowing if my baby was going to be there or not. Every week the doc kept saying probably next week he's not going to be there and every week he was!!!!
At 24 weeks I had decided to go to the hospital for bed rest. My friends were having a baby shower for me so I had planned on going to that and the following Monday to the hospital. My friend Cathy called on Monday September 3rd and asked if I wanted to go and eat with her and another friend (Betty) then they would stop by the dollar store and pick up decorations for Saturday's shower. As I'm walking through the dollar store I once again realize I have to pee AGAIN! (pretty common having 3 babies pushing on your bladder). As I start to sit down I realize SOMETHING is hanging out. I yelled for Cathy and she confirmed my worst fear! It was the umbilical cord. I was terrified!! On the way to the hospital I had to make a call to Doug who was 30 minutes away.
When I got to the hospital and they realized what was going on they started the process of preparing me for an emergency c-section....I was hysterical. I kept begging them to fly me to St. Louis (much bigger hospital) but they said if they didn't take all 3 babies now that none of them would live.
A few weeks later, I couldn't have been more than 3 weeks along (and already showing) we went in for my ultrasound. My husband had to work so my grandma went with me. Now we had artificial insemination and the doctor told me that twins were a probability but he's never had anything more than that with that type of procedure. So as I'm laying on the table he tells me he sees twins. I was soooo happy. And then he says wait a minute (now at this point I'm starting to panic) then he tells me there were two more. QUADS!!! The first thing through my mind was 4 of everything........How our lives were about to change and how badly I did NOT want to tell my husband. When the doctor gave me some time to compose myself and came back in, he said that I still had options. As he started to explain to me what selective reduction was I knew in my mind that at that moment I was having 4 babies and there were no other options for me! Let me just say I'm a very talkative person but that 2 hour car ride home I didn't say one word. I had already started to figure out what we as a family were going to do.
I had to go every week for an ultrasound, they had taken me off of work the day of my first ultrasound. My doctor did tell us that there was a chance that my body could reject some if not all the babies at some point, but that normally if they were there past 10-11 weeks they were probably going to stay. I can remember my 15wk ultrasound. I had taken my grandma and my 13 year old son with me (it would be his first time hearing the heart beat) Tyler was so excited, so when they put the jelly on my tummy and started making rounds...baby a, baby b, baby c and then he stopped and put his hand on my arm. I freaked out I thought he was going to tell me he had found another one!!! But instead he told me that he couldn't find the heart beat of one of the babies. As scared as I was to have quads the loss of one of them was unbearable. Tyler was crushed he thought he was bad luck. And then I had another 2 hour car ride home to tell my husband (Doug) who had no children of his own. When I told him he was absolutely crushed.
The following week at my ultrasound the doctor told me that one of the other babies didn't have much fluid around him, at that point he couldn't tell me why. Every week from that point on was terrifying, not knowing if my baby was going to be there or not. Every week the doc kept saying probably next week he's not going to be there and every week he was!!!!
At 24 weeks I had decided to go to the hospital for bed rest. My friends were having a baby shower for me so I had planned on going to that and the following Monday to the hospital. My friend Cathy called on Monday September 3rd and asked if I wanted to go and eat with her and another friend (Betty) then they would stop by the dollar store and pick up decorations for Saturday's shower. As I'm walking through the dollar store I once again realize I have to pee AGAIN! (pretty common having 3 babies pushing on your bladder). As I start to sit down I realize SOMETHING is hanging out. I yelled for Cathy and she confirmed my worst fear! It was the umbilical cord. I was terrified!! On the way to the hospital I had to make a call to Doug who was 30 minutes away.
When I got to the hospital and they realized what was going on they started the process of preparing me for an emergency c-section....I was hysterical. I kept begging them to fly me to St. Louis (much bigger hospital) but they said if they didn't take all 3 babies now that none of them would live.
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