So now our eyes are open and we're poopin' and although those things were good it was nothing for the doctors to change their settings in the right direction one day and the very next go further back than where they started. It was a definite roller coaster. Many days I sat there and took care of the twins as much as I could bathing them, putting on their lotion, holding them when they were well enough and at some point working with them on taking a bottle. When night time came around and I sat there on that pull out couch looking at them I would think of Caleb and usually cry myself to sleep. That was hard in itself to grieve behind a curtain with other people in the room.

That was all the grieving I got to do because I had 3 other kids to worry about and take care of. I guess I just don't allow myself to think about him for very long or I will start to cry. The one time I absolutely fell apart was when Caleb's pictures came in the mail and I had an absolute melt down. The guilt that I had been feeling was overwhelming at that point. If I would have done this or if I hadn't done that WHAT IF? Doug and Tyler were at a loss they didn't know what to say or do. From that point on I have never asked myself what if because there is no answer. I knew that he was in trouble the week following the loss of our 4th baby. I just knew he was going to make it. I remember laying on the couch a few days before I had the babies crying I was so worried about Caleb. I was talking with God out loud and I told him that I couldn't be selfish anymore. When I had prayed before I just asked God to keep him here with me, so that night my prayer was different. I prayed that God do what's best for Caleb, that if he was not going to have a good life to take him now and not let him suffer. Within a few days our journey began and Caleb was in Heaven playing with the angels!

The beginning of November we tried to extabate the two of them and after a couple of tries we finally got it accomplished. Things were looking up. They were both on oxygen still and were both getting fed through a tube in their nose but that was way better than when they started. I felt like there was hope.

Around the second week in November started another series of ups and downs. We learned that Dougie needed an eye surgery that there was a chance that he would be blind. The doctor said it was called ROP (retonopathy of prematurity) basically your eyes were under developed. I can still feel the anxiety walking him down the hall for another surgery that may or may not work. Meanwhile in my mind going crazy not only is he going to be delayed developmentally but now he may be blind. I have never even been around a blind person I was so scared. He had the surgery and came through like a champ. It was just a laser surgery that relieved the pressure from his eyes so that his retina didn't pull away. In the days that passed the doctor came in and examined him and things were looking good.

I think it was the following week when he examined Sis and told us the very same thing, except her eyes were worse. Here we go again. I tell ya that walk to the elevator seems like walking to my execution. She did well in her surgery also. Such brave and strong little people it's truly amazing.

I think back and we were worried about Emily's eyes because Dougie had been recovering well from his surgery. Then one day after exams he told us that Dougie's eyes had became worse that at this point he couldn't do anymore that we had to call in a retina specialist. This is someone who specializes in re-attaching a retina. This surgery was different because they actually had to go in and cut on his eyes this time. Even more terrifying!!

In the midst of all of this they got another new doctor in the NICU (they rotate every month). This doctors name was Dr. Sadiq. I wasn't sure if I would like him or not he was extremely serious, no crackin jokes like the others. Little did I know that I would learn to love him like no other. I would sit on my couch and watch him make rounds on the two of them and every morning he would put his hands in their little bubble, bend down and talk to them. He would tell them how special they were and most days he would raise the lid on their crib and bend in and kiss on them telling them how much he loved them. He really made an impression on me not just because he is an amazing doctor but his tender heart. He will be someone who I never forget in all my days.

It was so fun in November they were keeping their temps. up so we got to keep the lid up on their beds and dress them. Now they looked more like little babies. They were getting visitors as often as friends and family were able to make the 2 hour drive. It was nice to have so many people helping us out, having benefits and friends coming and mowing our yard so that Doug didn't have to worry about that on his days off he could go straight to the hospital. They were all blessings to us in so many ways.

Here we are in December and it's going by fast. We've already celebrated Halloween and Thanksgiving now we're working on Christmas. It was so hard to be torn in so many directions but we all managed to get through it. We celebrated Christmas with Tyler on Christmas eve. My family came over and we had a good dinner and watched Tyler open gifts. That night he went to stay with his dad and spend Christmas day with them. It was actually not so bad we took all their gifts from everyone to the hospital and when we got there their room was packed with gifts from nurses and doctors and anonymous people. We actually had a nurse practitioner adopt our family for x-mas and they bought tons of things for all 3 of our kids. Their kindness was amazing.